Mike Reviews Rock of Ages

Or at least, the performance by the cast of Rock of Ages on Late Night with Conan O'Brian.

Now, as near as I can tell, Rock of Ages is a new Broadway musical. The plot is, given the synopsis, paper-thin, and serves as little more than an excuse for the cast to sing something like hits from the '80s (ironically, some of the songs are actually from the early '90s, and Def Leppard's hit "Rock of Ages" seems to be absent from the musical, despite being the inspiration for the title).

I grew up in the '80s. Transformers was my favorite cartoon, Knight Rider was my favorite live-action show, Reagan was (and still is) my favorite President, and Def Leppard was my favorite band. So a lot of the songs featured in the musical might not be on my iPod right now, but chances are I had them on cassette at some point. I'm not against music from the '80s, no matter how big the hair.

But... raise your hand if you thought '80s rock would be awesome as showtunes.

Okay, if you have your hand up, you can stop wondering, you are in fact gay. Mind you, I don't have a problem with gays, but we're not talking Will from Will & Grace here, we're talking Jack from Will & Grace. The poor fairy stereotype that other gay guys are pissed at for giving them a bad name. The kind that major in theater because they freaking love showtunes.

Which, I suppose, explains how Rock of Ages came to be.

In that sense, Rock of Ages (unfairly judged by a quick plot synopsis and the cast performing Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" on Late Night With Conan O'Brian) is the most self-indulgent piece of crap ever to hit Broadway. I mean, it does have a target audience, but that's a subset of gays that I assume from TV exists, but doesn't actually even apply to the two or three gay guys I know.

Here's a tip for those of you out there who like '80s rock. Form a cover band. Not only will you need a lot fewer people, or a lame plot, but you'll hopefully not be ruining the music in the process. Don't sing it as showtunes (and worse, pretend your an artist or a legitimate actor for doing so).

Final Score: F-