G.I. Joe Review

In the 1990's, 70's nostalgia was all the rage. That's how we wound up with the return of bellbottoms and That 70's Show.

It was only natural, then, that the new millennium would bring with it a wave of 80's nostalgia. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got a new comic book, cartoon, and movie. He-Man got a new cartoon. The Thundercats and the Transformers both made a return to comic books. The Transformers even wound up a blockbuster movie. So, it's not a huge surprise that G.I. Joe also made it to the silver screen.

Now, I was pretty forgiving with the re-imagining of the Transformers. Optimus Prime was still the leader of the Autobots, who were still from Cybertron, and were still fighting the Deceptions, who were still being led by Megatron. And Prime still turned into a truck. Maybe the designs were a little unusual, but the basics were all in place. I enjoyed both movies, even though it seems most people didn't.

And so far, it seems most people aren't really liking G.I. Joe, either. I figured I'd give it a shot anyway, and I figured I'd probably enjoy it, since I wasn't as fervent a Joe fan as I was a Transformers fan anyway. As long as the basics were there, right?

Wrong.

G.I. Joe is still a team of "real American heroes," right? Nope. They're a world team now, with a headquarters in Egypt of all places.

Well, they still fight Cobra, right? Nope, despite the title, no one mentions Cobra until the very end of the movie.

Cobra or not, Cobra Commander is still the boss, right? No, Destro's the one calling the shots.

Destro's okay. He's a in a mask, right? Again, no. He's just some Scottish dude. He doesn't even go by Destro until the very end of the movie.

Well, the Baroness is still in the movie. She's still got that cool accent, right? No. Rather than being the sister of a baron (who's murder was falsely pinned on Snake Eyes), she's an American girl who happens to be married to some baron.

Did they get anything right? Snake Eyes is still cool, right? Kinda. Snake Eyes, and his bouts with Storm Shadow, are probably the only reason to watch this turd of a movie. And even then, the fights used jerky, too-close cameras similar to the fights in Transformers, and they molded a mouth onto Snake Eye's mask. A mouth!

Maybe these changes could be overlooked if the movie was a fun action movie in it's own right. But it fails at even that. The story, while seemingly simple on the surface, manages to drag on for an excruciating length. And the CGI battles that they fill the time with are just boring. You know you've got a dud on your hand when, during the middle of an action sequence two-thirds of the way through the movie, you're checking your watch and wondering if the movie's going to be over soon.

It's really hard to figure out who this movie was aimed at. People unfamiliar with the G.I. Joe story will likely find the movie's convoluted plot confusing and cheesy. Meanwhile, the movie's too far from the source material to please long-time G.I. Joe fans.

The Snake Eyes was cool (even with a mouth), Ripcord made me chuckle a few times, and Scarlett and the Baroness were hot. That's about all the praise I have for this crapfest. I recommend this movie to absolutely nobody, nowhere, under any circumstances.

Final Score: D