Thursday, June 11, 2009

Mike Reviews Twilight (the movie, not the book)

Remember, about a month and half ago, when I reviewed Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem? I said I couldn't think of too many movies worse than it?

I found one.

Twilight is the story of a teenage girl, Bella, who goes off to live with her dad in a podunk town in Washington. Upon arrival, all the kids in the school decide to be her friend instead of picking on the new girl, so naturally she's kind of moody. And then she meets Edward. Edward's kind of a jerk to her, so she falls totally in love with her. Oh, and Edward happens to be a vampire. Apparently that's hot. Unless it's the pale skin, poofy hair, and more lipstick than any of the girls in the film. Or maybe it's the way he sparkles in the sunshine. Did you know that's why vampires avoid the sun? Here I was thinking that they burst into flames. Silly me.

So the movie breaks down sort of like this... the first 40% is about Edward being a jerk while saving Bella from trouble, while Bella tries to figure out what's up with him. The next 40% is after Bella finds out Edward's a vamp, and starts going on dates and meeting his vamp family. Isn't it cute that they call themselves "vegetarians"? Because they don't eat people? Nevermind that they drink animal blood, not carrot blood, which kind of defeats the whole vegetable part of vegetarian. The last 20% of the movie is about Bella running from a vampire, James, that does eat people. Why the dude doesn't find somebody else to eat is beyond me. And then Edward and Bella go to prom.

This movie was directed at the teenage girls who read the books. I get that, I really do. But what is it with teenage girls and vampires? When did vampires become "sexy" loners who drink animal blood and sparkle in the sun like the ring my wife insists I should have bought her instead of the engagement ring I actually bought? Who do I blame for this? I miss the good old days when vampires were undead monsters to stake.

So, yeah, unless you're a 14 year-old girl, this movie sucked.

Final Score: F-


Jessie said...

lol.... I couldn't agree more... the book atleast had this neat history of why they were the way they were. And it was all done in first person and you saw what Bella was thinking so she didn't seem just like another crazy person falling in love with an orange necked vampire. (the makeup was horrible) ANd I hated the Cullens (you really like them in the book!!!)

Anonymous said...

AGREED! this movie was so terrible i want the time i used to watch it, back.