Move Over Oscars... Here Come the Mikes

So my wife decides that she wants to watch the Oscars.  Frankly, I'd rather play a video game so that I'll have something new to review, but sometimes you gotta let the wife have her way.  After all, a happy wife makes a happy life.

Obviously, even though they're not going to reveal it until later in the night, the big deal is Best Picture, and they open the program by mentioning all the films that were nominated.  I was shocked when I saw that Star Trek wasn't nominated.  They even doubled the number of nominees this year, and Star Trek didn't make it.  James Cameron's vapid-yet-expensive Avatar gets a nomination, a couple of movies I'd never even heard of like An Education get nominated, but Star Trek gets snubbed.  And that's when I realized that not only are the Oscars boring, they're bullshit.  Good movies that people really like don't get nominations, but "artistic" crap that probably didn't even play at your local theater does because ordinary folk don't get to pick.  The Oscars are about movie people giving themselves awards.  Picking "artistic" movies, no matter how much they suck, is their way of affirming just how artistic they are.  It'd be like if you and your friends formed a club, then once a year picked stuff that you did and gave yourselves awards for it.

While I enjoy a good movie (and a couple of bad ones), the fact is that I think most people in Hollywood are self-absorbed tools who don't have a clue what real life is like, so I don't really give a crap about their opinions.  When it comes to opinions, the one that I really respect the most is my own.  So forget about the Oscars; I'm handing on the one award that really matters... the Mike.

Best Picture - Star Trek
Best Actor - Optimus Prime, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Best Supporting Actor - Woody Harrelson, Zombieland
Best Actress - The Blue Chick in Avatar
Best Supporting Actress - Shia LeBeouf, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Best Animated Feature Film - Up
Best Art Direction - Star Trek
Best Cinematography - Star Trek
Best Costume Design - G.I. Joe
Best Director - J.J. Abrams, Star Trek
Best Documentary - Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Best Editing - Star Trek
Best Makeup - Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Best Musical Score - Star Trek
Best Original Song - "Jimmy's Dead", Black Dynamite.
Best Sound Editing - Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Best Sound Mixing - Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Best Writing for an Adapted Screenplay - Star Trek
Best Writing for an Original Screenplay - Zombieland

You'll notice I left a couple out.  That's because I didn't watch short films.  Instead, please accept my totally new categories.

Best Line in a Movie - "Give me your face!", Optimus Prime, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Best Sci-fi Movie - Star Trek
Best Horror Movie - Paranormal Activity
Best Comedy - Black Dynamite
Best Romantic Comedy - Zombieland
Best Product Placement - Twinkies, Zombieland
Best Fight Scene - Black Dynamite vs. Richard Nixon, Black Dynamite
Biggest Tool - James Cameron, Avatar